Saturday, February 20, 2016

Frustration, Addiction, & Moving Forward

I don't, and won't, typically talk about my job here, at least not in any real detail. For the most part I love loved what I do. I hope that love will come back. I feel betrayed by some of my coworkers, maybe all. I can't tell, and it won't do any good to ask any of them as the trust is damaged. Maybe ruined beyond repair - if you know me and my lack of trust skills. Normally I can shake things off without much of a second thought, but for some reason, this time I haven't been able to. So much so that I've asked for a temporary transfer into another unit, that I may request to become permanent. I love being a psych nurse. This new unit isn't psych. The problem is that on night shift, nurses have to trust each other, because we're really all we have. What choice do I have if I can't trust them anymore?

Enough of that shit, right?

I keep getting emails from 6pm.com and runningshoes.com and what can I do but click? I have SO many running shoes, like upward of a dozen - no joke. I have 2 pair I haven't even worn yet! That said, I really these and am pretty sure I need them in 2 out of the 3 color options. I mean the very definition of Transcend is to be or go beyond the range or limits of. How could I possibly not need these shoes, I ask you.
want

I've always been a shoe fanatic. This has gotten worse, oh so much worse, since I became a runner. Running shoes are just so... ethereal. I see myself tying them on and floating away into a peaceful world and serenity. And no stupid people.

So I closed the website and didn't buy the shoes. I know, I know.  Frivolous spending rocks. Adulting sucks. If I ever win the lottery, I'm buying all the shoes. Because I clearly need all the shoes. And socks. I need all the socks to go with all the shoes. Because, logic. 

I've been running a lot more lately. Most of the time (all of the time?) with the Sole Sister and most of the time on the treadmill.  I hate the treadmill. It's an instrument of torture. I've tried printing out some treadmill workouts and they help somewhat, but I feel so slow on the treadmill and I swear they're slower than running outside. Anyone else experience this? Like a 13 min pace on the treadmill is like an 11 min outside. I swear. I put forth far less effort for far better results outside. I despise those machines.

But it's all forward progress, right? And that's what matters. We ran a 2 mile race a couple weeks ago and it gave me hope. Hope that maybe the treadmill was improving (slowly) my running ability. But then, we ran a 10k trail race that dashed those hopes and made me wonder what the fuck I ever started running for. Damn that thing was brutal! I just want to be back to where I was running-wise. Same pace, same love for it. Frequently I want to quit running, it's not worth this shit! But I know if I quit now, I will never get back what I've lost. 

And I'm going to get it back. Watch me do it.

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