I've been watching the steady, nauseating climb of scale numbers these past couple months since giving up smoking.
Quick confession time: I reached 117lbs through diet and exercise. I've now tipped the scale at 140lbs. Really.
I think this is the first time I've ticked off actual numbers in public!
Anyway, it's not the "one four oh" that bothers me the most - it's the 23lb increase. For those of you that care about the BMI chart, this puts me at 24.8 (0.1) away from the "overweight" mark. So I'm not considered "fat", which frankly means notta damn thing to me, because it's all about how I feel.
And lately I feel like shit.
I feel slow, and foggy, and weighted down, tired all.. the.. time, and perhaps the worst part is that I feel very disappointed. In myself.
Another confession: Since I lost weight (to the tune of 80lbs), I sort of "feared" going out to eat. It's worse now. As strange as it may sound (even to me), the very thought that somebody might ask me to go to a restaurant, gives me anxiety. Why? Because I can't seem to make good choices when I go out. I'm afraid I'll "overeat", or "not skip dessert", or some other lack-of-willpower malady.
Enter guilt. I feel guilty when I eat junk food. In fact, I physically (and emotionally) feel better when I don't eat. We're talking days. I can and have gone days, literally days, without eating anything at all (I do drink). And I feel better.
I guess, if I allowed myself to admit it, I've got this pendulum habit of binge-eating and anorexia. Does such a thing even exist? Isn't it one or the other?
The point of this post is that I'm not going to do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to carry on this fucked up way of life. I've read and read some more about this "Clean Eating" thing that's flying around these days and it looks far less like a "diet" and more like a "lifestyle" to me. So I'm going to give it a try.
I'm using this as a basic guide. If anyone would like to join me, definitely do. Success in numbers and all!
What's next on the Running Radar? A 10k this Saturday.