Thursday, January 23, 2014

This Is Under Protest - Fighting Against Myself

I've been giving this some thought the past few days. In my bedroom, I look at the curtain that has all of my race bibs on it. Eighteen of them. Then I look at the generic Hobby Lobby hanger I bought ("temporarily") for my race bling. And I remember, vaguely, how they all used to make me feel.

And I wonder what happened to that girl.

I read back on some posts, New Years posts, promises I've made to myself and posted on this blog for motivation. It's not working. I can offer up a ton of excuses, fatigue, shitty weather, boredom. But, I can't pretend she's here right now. 

I'm following through with the races I've signed up for. The four half marathons, the virtual and otherwise 5ks. But I'm not signing up for any more at this point.

I'm done fighting with myself, and trying to convince myself I can and really want to do this. And I'm taking a break from this. This blog, all of it.

And hope that girl misses it all and comes back to me.


Ashley a.k.a. Sweaty Girl said...

I hope you come back... this winter has been rough. I started my fitness journey last March. I was dedicated, focused, driven. I lost forty pounds. I was fitter and stronger than I had ever been in my life but when cold weather hit... I lost it. I lost the desire to run, to go to the gym, to eat healthy. I am fighting a constant battle with myself to continue on my journey. I want to be healthy. To be fit. I'm hoping once I can return to outdoor running. When I'm not being hindered by the bitter cold that fitness will come easy again. I will continue to fight and I now know that I need a game plan for surviving the winters. Take a break... and come back when your ready.

Chelle Shock said...

I think a big part of my problem is the weather, it's just been ridiculously cold. Another issue, though, is that I have a 1/2 marathon in a month and I'm not ready, so I kind of feel like I've given up. I need to run this half, and I need to run the whole thing (no matter how slow, no walking) in order to prove I can. It feels kind of "make it or break it", if that makes sense. I'm really hard on myself and I'll be pretty upset if I can't do it.

Thank you for the support! I feel like I'm in a funk that one day I'll wake up and snap out of. Like, "duh! I love running!" :)

Tracy said...

I think many runners go through this at one time or another. Maybe trying something new over the winter and hanging up your running shoes for a while? I recently learned how to rock wall climb. It's great exercise and something to do indoors while the weather is so crappy. Or, since you have some races scheduled, to keep training, have you tried meeting up with a local running club/group? We have several in my area and they have been a saving grace when I get in a rut.

Chelle Shock said...

Unfortunately, the local running group here is, well, unimpressive. I live about an hour from Wichita which has far more to offer, but I drive all day at work right now and don't want to commit to driving more when I'm off. I DO have a couple really fantastic friends that are runners and when they sign up for races, it motivates me to sign up. I haven't run in 6 weeks now, but I'm going tonight and we'll see! I just signed up for two 10Ks too :)

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