Thursday, January 16, 2014

There Are Far, Far Better Things Ahead Than Any We Leave Behind
- C.S. Lewis

Those of you that know me personally, probably know (or could tell) that I have issues with depression. If you weren't aware of this, let me try to describe in short. Some days I feel wonderful, awesome, like everything is just... good. Other days, and sometimes it takes very little, I shift into sad. Sometimes I stay there for awhile. Over the years, I've learned to cope (better, anyway) with the sad days and to make the most of the good days. I often struggle with being the "fat chick" that I used to be. For a long time after I lost the weight, I would look in the mirror and see the same fat girl staring back at me. Now, the fat girl in the mirror has been replaced with the skinny girl that needs liposuction and a tummy tuck. It's a vicious cycle, truly. But you know what? I lost weight without anybody else's help, so why should I give a damn what other people think of my results?

Optimistic people drive me batshit crazy. The "everything's all rainbows and sunshine" people. It's not. And that's not realistic. While I see the virtue in optimism, I have difficulty believing that bullshitting yourself can be healthy. And if you disagree with me here? You're bullshitting yourself.

Pessimistic people piss me off. The "oh look, it's a beautiful day, I bet it's going to rain" people. It doesn't have to. And I believe it's impossible to live a remotely happy life when every happiness is overshadowed by oncoming darkness. I have my own issues with negativity, and I'm stupidly susceptible to constantly negative people. Get over yourselves already.

I write this post simply because I'm somewhere in between the two today. I feel a little depressed, but today I can also verbalize what will make me feel better. Some days I can't do that, because it feels nothing will help.

Myself? I consider myself a realist. I know fully well that life can utterly suck. I also know fully well that everything, even sadness, has it's own beauty.  My goal isn't to perfect my life, and it's not to find happiness every day. It's simply to make tomorrow better than today. Every day. And what's the point in living if it doesn't change you, make you better?

Don't mistake me, I love who I am, who I've become through busting my ass and my sheer, stupid, insane, ongoing determination. I have the ability to find humor in just about everything, even things others find appalling un-funny. I can laugh at starving children commercials, not because starving children are funny, but because, well, maybe you've seen the one this quote is from: "I'm hungry.. Because I have no food."  Brilliant, Commercial Choreographers. Simply brilliant. You've heard the "Laugh at a funeral" cliche, right? I've actually done that. I've also laughed hysterically while seeing a chiropractor as he's cracking my spine, and a doctor that tried to break adjust my neck. I've laughed when being called on in class. I've laughed during horror movies, bad dates, a couple of times through the Faces of Death movies (really? You got tore up by a junkyard dog in a junkyard you broke into?), and I've found humor in tragedy. I've also laughed myself to tears.

(Disclaimer: I should mention that the Faces of Death movies, while watching at the insistence of an idiotic boyfriend when I was 19, totally scarred me for life. As you can tell from the fact that I actually remember it from so many years ago.)

But YOU, Sarah McLaughlin and your ASPCA ad. You make me bawl in the 2.3 seconds it takes to change the channel. You should be banned from ruining my day. You should be on pay-per-view for suicidal viewers. You probably do a lot of good.. if your goal is appealing to people that eat their hair and cut themselves.

Sorry. I digress. What am I talking about anyway?!

I guess my point is that we're all a little fucked up in our own little fucked up ways.

And you know what? That's ok.

So what will help me today? Running. I know that many runners say that it helps with depression. It really does. So I'm going to go out in about an hour and do just that.

In the meantime, read this post, laugh out loud, and get the fuck over your emo-ness.

This is beautiful. *tear .. from Hyperbole and a Half


Anonymous said...

I'm horrible at consoling people, but I do want you to know that since the New Year has started my running has come to almost a complete halt. I blame it on the weather. I don't want to go run when it is 40 and incredibly windy one day, and -10 degrees the next day. I want my shorts and tanktops back. Lisa and I are always around to lift you up whenever you may need it. We are running sisters forever. Lean on us. -Jen

Chelle Shock said...

Thank you, Jen! That means a lot to me. Running sisters forever! I love you girls!

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