Sunday, December 1, 2013

An Open Letter to a "Friend"

I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I'm going to make an exception this time due to the circumstances.

I had a friend. A good friend, I thought. We had a lot in common, a lot. The friendship didn't last. I understand that these things happen all the time to lots of different people; some make phone calls or send nasty texts, some make visits and some sever ties entirely, others still, blog.

Dear "Friend",

I've been thinking about writing this letter for awhile, and finally decided that I would.
You told me you weren't available the evening before my birthday because you had to switch weekends with the kids to attend the Mustache Dash - which, apparently, you didn't go to anyway.
Now, had this been the first time you cancelled plans with me, that would be one thing. But it wasn't. There were two (at least) times previous, "girls days". Needless to say, I get that things happen that mean rescheduling plans - but that's "rescheduling" and not cancelling. Which, ours, were never rescheduled. This is fine, and regardless of how good you believe your intentions were, the results are still the same that with me, you're unreliable. I may not have kids, but I still don't have time for flaky people. I think you have awesome children and if I did have kids, I would avoid using them as excuses.
I gave you credit when you cancelled on me, that uncontrollable things were going on in your world, and I even responded (and meant it) that you weren't the "bad friend" you texted me that you were, but that you were just a "busy friend". Then? You cancelled on me again. Maybe I was wrong, and you were right.
I knew when I asked you to spend the evening/night before my birthday with me, that you'd never do it because I had suggested I wanted to get drunk. I remember the night the three of us went out before a race and you told me while we were outside that he doesn't like you to drink much, and that you wished he wasn't like that. Then almost as soon as we went inside you told him "thank you" for not "letting" you drink much because you had vomited. Nobody can make you do or feel anything without your permission, you have chosen to allow him to make you feel this way, and then you complain about it later. But this was none of my business, I digress.

When you bailed on me for my birthday, and we didn't text for a bit, you said that you felt you had "hurt my feelings" and that you would "be willing to talk on the phone and listen" if I wanted to talk about it. That was incredibly gracious of you - to be "willing to listen" to how I felt about you cancelling plans on me, again. That was when I began thinking of writing this letter.
Then you texted me on Thanksgiving and again, graciously offered to listen to me if I needed to talk about this. You were sorry you weren't able to take off all the time that I wanted you to because of your kids. That's when I made the decision to write this letter. The two "girls days" you bailed on were your ideas in the first place and it wasn't me that suggested the days or times, therefore, "all the time I wanted" you to take off isn't accurate. You set the plans, you bailed on them, and now you're attempting to make me the unreasonable party. Now, my birthday, those were my plans, and I don't find it terribly illogical to ask a friend to spend a birthday with me. I knew you wouldn't follow through when I asked, as stated previously in this letter. But I had hoped you would. Also previously stated in this letter, is that the reason you bailed on my birthday was to switch weekends with your kids to attend a race. A race that you flaked on anyway.
You have stated a couple times now via text that you "are willing" to talk to me about this. Yet, it was you that ditched me at the 10k race we ran. I attempted small talk and I don't believe you spoke a word in my direction. If you did, it was certainly nothing substantial, or indicitive of your desire to work things out with me. We have also attended a couple mutual races since, with the same results - you making no attempt to have any contact with me. So, certainly you can understand my skepticism when I received your text on the holiday suggesting that you treasured our friendship. I simply want you to know that I know that I didn't do this to our friendship. This isn't my fault, and you have not been victimized here. I, as your friend, didn't stand you up, I didn't make plans with you and then fail to reschedule when those were compromised.
In fact, I most certainly felt your heartfelt and sincere concern with the status of our friendship a day or two after Thanksgiving when you not only deleted me from your Facebook, but blocked me as well. This is when I made the decision to post this letter in public.
I wish you nothing less than happiness as well, but I also have some advice to offer you, should you choose to hear it. You should reconsider the way you word things, unless the way you're wording them is what you truly mean to say - if this is the case, you should stop playing the victim. And you should seriously stop being so gracious offering to discuss how your actions made another person feel, when the issue wasn't theirs in the first place, but yours.
You know, as little as I saw you once you began making excuses, your absence in my life hasn't really been noticed.

Best Wishes,
P.S. You are welcome, to read and interpret this letter however makes you feel better, but you should know that education and people skills are entirely separate entities.

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