Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Self Kindness

Has anyone else ever noticed how easy it can be to be kind to someone else, but so hard to be kind to yourself? "If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?" 

Congrats on being the only person visible from space!

Personally, I can't imagine saying, "look how fat you are!", "you ass is so huge!", "how could you do something so stupid?!", "your thighs look hail damaged!", or "how typical, you fucked that up, too!" to a friend. Can you? Yet I've said all those, and many things even worse, to myself. Regularly. My favorite lately has been commenting to myself - and others - about my "Buddha Belly" and strangely enough, I don't even dislike my little Buddha Belly.  No, I'm far more concerned with my thunder thighs, huge ass, lunch lady arms, and love handles. See what I mean?  I'm a mean girl. I've pointed out to myself how far I've come in weight loss and how I went from never running a mile in my life to running long distances, and then berated myself for picking up a cigarette or eating a brownie (ok, lots of cheesecake!)

Don't sugar coat the truth or you might eat it!

We're so much harder on ourselves than we are on others. At least I am. I see my friends, some overweight, some skinny, running distances farther than I can fathom. I've seen friends have difficulty running a mile. I have friends that can't even convince themselves to get off the futon. And never once have I thought to myself, let alone commented on how lazy, or unmotivated, or how fat they're gonna be after eating that tub of cookie dough.

But I emotionally torture myself for hours.

You should have your own zip code!

Sometimes, days.

Do I deserve it? Do they? Does it motivate me?

No.

Lift your chin up. No, the other one!

I read articles and memes and snide comments online, and they disgust me, make me feel inherently sad. I think to myself how horrible people are to body shame, and fat shame, and make others feel bad for their personal choices. And it pisses me off. How dare they. But then I look in the mirror and what my head says is, "your legs are too scarred, your knees too knobby, your thighs are so flabby, your hips too wide, your-waist-too-many-inches-your-boobs-too-small-you.could.draw.a.maze.with.those.stretch.marks.arms.too.loose.nosetoopointyhairsgettingsilver..is that a wrinkle?! Ahoy, Shamu! Stay away from the beach, lest you be harpooned.

Brutal, huh?

But I notice none of these things in other people. And probably, they don't notice these things in me. And the few that do? Fuck'em. They wouldn't stay my friend long. And they shouldn't stay yours.

It's self sabotage. And it's sad. I am my own worst enemy, and I suspect I'm not the only one doing all this  damage to myself.

Hey! Congrats on beating anorexia!

I'm not going to spew all the self-motivational stuff to you, you can find that anywhere online, and if it speaks to you that's fantastic. Very few speak to me but this one.
You I don't need enemies when you've I've got  yourself myself.

Let's claw our ways out of this rut, shall we?

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